its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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