Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point