some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
