my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Two words: blizzard sex
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
