Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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