I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
