ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
