that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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