My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
