isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You're like the curious george of whores
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
