it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
MIDGETS
????
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
