I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I think my moral compass just broke
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
