I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just pee around me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
