Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
