it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
