His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
