Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
