On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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