we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
