It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
