You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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