What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
