How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
