my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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