I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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