I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
