if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize