is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
