omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize