I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
