Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
