remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
