He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
