I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
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I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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