1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
