apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
FUCK WHALES
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
