My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
