oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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