Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
