Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
