god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
