for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
