I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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