I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
