if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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