I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
