I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
