And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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