The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
