I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
