wanna go halves on a baby?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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