if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
