I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
