Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
