If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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