hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
